about me, CRPS, scripture, Sparkle and Shine

Update 7/16

Hello. Just wanted to give a little update in my journey…all honesty too, no hiding…

Today was a very rough day. I am in the process of weaning off cymbalta (which has been 2 days since I stopped it). Going to try a new one but having some complications with the price so I don’t have it yet. After almost 4 years of being on it, the withdrawal symptoms are almost more than I can handle. The pain has been unbearable.

I am trying all the tricks that I have found to help which only helps for a very short time, pain level goes down to a 3 or 4 then right back to 10+.

I have done so much crying on top of it. One of those days I just don’t understand. Am I really that strong that God gave me this story to live? I know I have always had a high pain tolerance but this, this is a bit much.

My symptoms: Pain in the areas it likes to attack (leg, head/neck, kidney). Pain areas are cold. Dizziness/vertigo. Jittery. Heart racing. Hard to take a deep breathe. Vivid dreams. Insomnia. Irritable. Muscle aches.

I am wrestling with God some. Feelings of why am I even trying. I’m tired of fighting. I’m tired of not knowing day to day how I am going to feel then having to cancel plans. It just all hits hard in these painful moments.

I’m thankful I am strong in my walk with the Lord. These moments are fleeting. God said this life wouldn’t be easy. “Now if he we are children, then we are heirs- heirs of God and co-heirs with Christ, if indeed we share in his sufferings in order that we may also share in his glory.” -Romans 8:17.

Jesus knew what kind of suffering he was about to face. And yet he went around sharing and showing the love of God. He healed people, taught them the way to live. He knew his mission and he wasn’t going to let the future stop that. Knowing why he was doing it, he still asked God to take it away. But he ended that with not my will but yours be done. The strength Jesus had. The love he has. He knew why he was there and why this all had to happen. And that is what gave him the strength to fight through.

He showed us the way to live in his life. I can’t thank you enough Jesus for dieing on the cross for my sins. Showing me how to live even through the suffering. You did it all because you love the Father. You knew the blessings in eternal life by far out weighed anything happening now.

And that is why I will get up the next day and fight again. I have my eyes on the blessings He has promised to me. I am here to share this beautiful but ugly hard story of mine that I might help at least one person to get up the next day and fight again. With God it is possible! It is all possible with Him.

I often picture Him when I am ugly crying because of the pain and just hard to handle moments that He is holding me crying with me. I know He would love to take the pain away. He doesn’t like to see us hurting. But that is not fully teaching me the height of His love for me.

It’s in those times that after I have left myself get it all out to God, that I feel Him the most. He loves me too much to give me an easy life. If it was too easy then I wouldn’t need Him. That thought is scary to me. To not know who He truly is and what He can do. I can’t even imagine.

I’m here to tell you the suffering is good. That means that God is drawing you in. So He can show you His magnificent power and love. I have seen a part of it and I want to continue to know Him more and His heart. And this I can not contain. It all makes me want to share with everyone. I want to share the love and compassion He has given me to others.

I am praying and believing the medication she wants me to try next, that they were able to get it down to $0 and I can start it beginning of this week coming. It sounds promising to all my extra needs and make me feel a little less zombie.

And again this…this is why I will get up and tackle whatever the day throws at me. Not going to say it will be easy breezy but I won’t give up. I’m too loved to do that! I will suffer for God because Christ suffered for me. And then I will be an heir to the kingdom with Christ. The eternal life 🧡

I smile because Gods love for me is something I do not want to keep to myself, I want others to be able to smile through the pain as well! 🧡